our miscarriage

We found out we didn't get Anthony today. They went with another family who lived closer to the city and didn't home school. This is worse than any of the miscarriages. This baby was here. I've held him. I've rocked him. I sang him lullabies. I've spent the night with him in my arms. And I've prayed for him since we first met when he was 4 weeks old. There are no words. Only tears. And I know I'll make it through this. I just have no idea how. I'm pissed. I'm pissed at DFS and I'm pissed at the world for continuing with every day activities. How could we have a football game tonight? Tonight? After our loss. After all this grieving and crying and anger. How? How is it that tomorrow is my birthday? How would I be celebrating anything right now? How can I take Isaac back to school shopping? How can I start work next week? How will I get up in the morning? I have no answers. None. I don't know how a room full of strangers who have never met me or my family and have never seen my town can decide the fate of this amazing little boy that we've loved for the past several months. How can that NOT be the best thing for him? And why didn't they just ask me? I'd tell them how we'd move back to Independence in a heartbeat if we could get Anthony. We'd move to the hood if we had to. But it's done. Just like that. The decision has been made and some family is preparing for the arrival of our baby as we speak. They're celebrating. They could be toasting champagne glasses. And I can't be happy for them. I can't even wrap my brain around all the praying I've done for Anthony in the last year. I've prayed for this very day. For God's will to be done. For Anthony to go where God wants him to go. I know that in my head. But there is no room in my heart right now. It's too full of grief, sadness, pitty, and despair. It's a loss. It's a major loss and I don't know how to handle it. I won't be burying Anthony in the ground. There are no good byes. I'll never see him again. he's not dead. But a piece of me died today.