an Anthony-less Christmas

That's the problem. I miss him. And at Christmas time when everyone is thinking of family and celebrating spending time with them; I am missing him. I know his new parents were planning a vacation for Christmas time to take him to meet all of his family members who live out of town. I imagine they will be leaving in the next few days if they haven't already. I appreciate Steve and the boys. I do. And I'm so grateful to have them. It's not like I'm all alone this year and have reason to be as lonely as I am. But I am lonely. The tears won't stop. It's tough to get out of bed. And it's even harder to muster up that Christmas cheer this year. At least last year there was time spent with him and presents exchanged. This year I've got nothing but empty arms: aching empty arms. And no amount of family time with the wonderful boys in this house will bring him back. He's gone. And it's pure torture to have to face that reality at Christmas. And to top it all off: I feel a lot of guilt. What kind of Christmas memories is my family going to have this year? Mom crying and yelling and spending a lot of time sleeping. Merry Christmas guys. As much as Steve is trying like a man would try to pull me out of this "funk" I will not be moved. I cannot. I just can't find my way. And I know he feels frustrated and maybe a little hurt that he and the kids aren't enough right now. But it's not. I love those Willow Tree figurines. We were at Hallmark today and Isaac and I are looking at them. He says, "Mom, there is you and Anthony!" And setting in front of us is a guardian angel holding the hands of a little toddler boy. The name was Guardian Angel. I lost it right there in the middle of the store. After I picked myself up out of the puddle of tears on the floor in the middle of the store; I grabbed up a box and very decisively bought myself a little pre Christmas present. A reminder that Anthony is in good hands and that the same God who has given me the Wilson man and men in training also gave Anthony his new home. You can't argue with a God that good. But it doesn't always make it easy. So here we go again. More tears, more pain. But memories. Memories of last Christmas when Anthony as an honorary member of our family received his first KU shirt for Christmas. He also got one of those ring stackers. Man he loved that thing. That was by far his favorite toy. He also got a little musical "TV" for the car that Mama Cheryl could turn on with a remote from the driver's seat. She went through God knows how many batteries with that one. She strapped that on the back of her seat so it was directly in front of him whenever he was in his car seat. He would clap and wiggle and laugh. What a good year. What a hard year. What a different outcome than I would have ever imagined. And what a challenge for the years to come. So Merry Christmas Anthony wherever you are. Have a great vacation meeting your extended family. Enjoy your Mom and Dad. Know you are loved.