He's everywhere

I can't escape him even if I wanted to. Memories of Anthony linger everywhere. Even places we've never been to. We went to Kearney last night for dinner and checked out a farm store just to kill some time. I saw a wagon and began to cry. We bought Anthony a wagon for his first birthday. He loved riding in it. He would hold on real tight like it was a roller coaster.

I was taking the boys to spend the night with Nana the other day and I passed the Noland Road exit. I started thinking about our rental home right off of Noland Road. Then I started thinking about my old neighbor Ms. Mary (Anthony's foster grandma) Then I got to thinking that it was Friday night and he might be over there. He spent the night every Friday night with Grandma. Then I thought, "No, he's not there tonight. I'll bet his new family got to take him home with them for the trial weekend."

He's everywhere. And as sad as it makes me to think of him, I'm so grateful to have the memories to remind me of what a great baby he was. I'm happy to think of the time we shared together and the wonderful life God must have planned for him. I'm happy to pray for him and his new family. I want to make a difference in his life even if I never see him again.

Yet it's so hard. It's painful to think about another woman holding him, rocking him, and kissing him. It's hard to imagine him at the dinner table with them. Mom giving him a bath. And him hugging her goodnight. It breaks my heart to think we won't be doing those things together anymore. And he'll forget all about "Teve" and he'll stop looking for the van down the street knowing that once we got home; we'd come to 'Grandma's to visit him. And he won't remember that they way I do. He won't even know I exist. His adoptive mother doesn't know me. She won't know those stories. Even if she hears about them, her intrest in them won't be near as great as the intrest she has in raising him now. And I think that's what is the hardest. The fact that we'll be forgotten. But my dear sweet Anthony-
I can promise you that you will never be forgotten.
You have left your tracks on our hearts.
We will forever love you.
We will always pray for you.
And there will always be an empty space in our hearts that only you could fill.
You are the baby we never had.
The challenge
physically and mentally that we'll never face.
You are the child we are missing
and yet you're right where you're supposed to be.
We celebrate while we mourn.
We love you bubba.